As the semi newest member of RABID Inc.(and the only one with access to rec.climbing), I've been nominated to deliver the stories and comments for Maddog. As much as we'd all like to think that the different types of climbing styles can peacefully coexist, the facts are that it just ain't true. A routine scan of dissertation abstracts turned up a peculiar publication pertaining to the effect of one's lifestyle upon the manner in which one tends to urinate. In the final chapter, the researcher, a fellow by the name of Dick Lizard, described the results of research into a large population of climbers around the world. I found the results to be quite revealing and with the author's permission would like to share them with you. TRAD CLIMBER: Belches, farts, picks nose, pisses on floor, bitches about smelly urinal, stalks away. SPORT CLIMBER: Chalks up, pulls cock out, backs away, puts cock away, rechalks, breathes deep, checks cock, rechalks, reapproaches, goes for it, pisses down leg, blames belayer and poor conditions. ICE CLIMBER: Knows it's too cold outside to piss, slams finger with ice hammer so he'll forget the pain in his bladder. MOUNTAIN CLIMBER: Pulls out wanker in blizzard, piss freezes to leg, weiner gets frostbitten, head has to be amputated but not until after drunken brawl in Kathmandu and waiting 4 days for flight back to Seattle. GYM CLIMBER: Poses too long, pisses down pants, has daddy buy new lycra. EXTREME GAMES CLIMBER: Slams a Dew, jumps off mountain, cuts bunjee cord, pulls parachute, pisses up belly cause it gives him an adrenaline rush. OLD FART CLIMBER: Can't remember if he pissed or not, pisses down leg. DRUNK BRITISH CLIMBER: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DRUNK YANK CLIMBER: Asks others to stop urinal from spinning, pisses down leg. ECO-CONSCIOUS CLIMBER: Filters out salts and contaminants, drinks filtrate. SENSITIVE NEW AGE CLIMBER: Warns urinal it is about to be pissed on. KENTUCKY CLIMBER: Rants about how much harder it is to piss in Kentucky than it is out west, pisses in shoe. HOMOPHOBE CLIMBER: Can't piss - thinks the guy two stalls down is eyeing him. GENERATION X CLIMBER: Refuses to piss as silent protest, blows bladder, dies. 2: lesbian Pisses down leg, attributes it to bad home life. AUSSIE CLIMBER: Drinks another brew, bitches that the yanks are pissing upside down, pisses up nose. REC.CLIMBERS: Sit at computers even though they have to piss real bad, lose control, piss on power strip, die of electrocution.

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